


Tobacco

by sullivan



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Drugs, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:41:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7311808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullivan/pseuds/sullivan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I saved everyone, who's gonna save me now?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tobacco

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if my English sucks.

If you look down at a concert area from the stage, you see that the dancing stars are watching you. Oh, and the neon zebra and panda costumes. Screams, _I love you!_ 's, _fuck me daddy!_ 's, people who sing the songs with you, people who throw away their bras...And surely, the uproar continues when you're off the the stage. Even when you're in your van, and even when you're in your hotel room or your fucking house, it just continues. It's hard to know that feeling. In order to experience these, you have to wear unbelievably tight jeans, catwalk on the stage, make out with the rhythm guitarist, and sing your song like it's the last song you will ever sing. So, most people will never experience this feeling. But since Gerard Way is a very lucky man, he knows that feeling very, very well. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to make him happy anymore.

In a regular night where the telephone lights were illuminating the ground, and the stage lights were illuminating the sky, Gerard was running here and there, screaming, jumping at the stage. Just as usual. That was what he did for 4 years after all.

He pulled away the black hair that was blocking his vision, and continued to sing his song. "Preach all you want, but who's gonna save me?!" Then he held the microphone towards to the fans, and let them sing the rest. To him, that was a good trick to take a breath. "Hallelujah, lock and load..."

Yes, Gerard was singing with his usual tempo, but he wasn't smiling this time. He didn't want to go on the stage. He didn't want to hear people screaming, saying _you're my hero_. Because it was a lie! Thousands of people, and none of them knew Gerard trully. They didn't know how much he sucks, how disgusting he is, how bad, mean, soulless he is. They were just saying things. And if they could see Gerard after the concert, they would hate him. Whenever he heard these words, _I saved everyone,_ he thought. _Who's gonna save me now?_

Gerard kept acting until the end of the night.

When he's finished the last song, "Alright guys," he said, "You made us have a wonderful night. We hope we did the same too!" Everyone screamed. "I think we did," he said, laughing. "Take care of yourselves until the next concert in here."

The boys went down to the backstage one by one. They could still hear the screams but they were raucous. "I'm so fucking sweaty. I'll have a shower first," Frank said, holding on to Ray's shoulder.

"Hell no," Ray frowned. "I'm just as sweaty as you." They challenged each other. "Rock, paper, scissors, then," Frank said, and they shook their fists three times, at the third, Frank made a rock and Ray made a paper. "Ha! Frankie always makes a rock," he laughed, and Frank murmured a "Fuck you, Ray." He was going to stick with the scissors the next time.

After Ray's gone, he turned to Mikey, who was watching them the whole time and laughing. "Where's Gerard?" he asked, and Mikey shrugged."He walked out of the backdoor. He doesn't talk to me, I don't know what's he up for." Frank nodded with an understanding look, and walked to the back door. He turned back again when he heard Mikey calling his name. Mikey pressed his lips, his eyes are narrowed. "Just don't try too hard, alright? You know how he reacts when he's overwhelmed." Frank nodded again coldly and opened the backdoor.

When he opened the door, he felt the cold wind in his face and shook a little. The wind wasn't that hard but he was just so sweaty.

He couldn't see Gerard at first. There was nobody, it was too quiet. He stepped out slowly and there he was, leaning against the wall. He was staring at what was in front of him, he definitely saw Frank but he ignored him. Ten minutes ago, he was looking at the stars dancing with joy, and now he was looking at the stars, just as sad and tired as him.

Frank went over to Gerard and leaned against the wall like he did, he took out a long Marlboro Red from his packet. He put it between his lips, and turned his face to Gerard. "You got a lighter?" he asked. Frank had a lighter, he was only trying to interact with Gerard.

Gerard didn't look at him, offered his cigaratte's still burning ashes to him, and he took a drag after Frank lighted his cigaratte.

They didn't talk for a while. Until Frank coughed. "We're going back to the hotel in ten minutes," he murmured. Gerard dropped his cigaratte. "I'm not coming," he said, not bothering to step on the cigaratte. That pissed Frank off. He always stepped on his cigaratte. So he did step on it, "Where the hell are you going then?" he asked, pissed a little more. "To that dangerous, ugly pub right?"

"It's none of your business."

"What if someone takes off a knife, Gee? Or a gun? They would finish you without thinking twice for fuck's sake!"

I wish...I wish, he thought. It would be amazing if someone did that for him! Because he was just too scared to do it himself.

"I said it's not your concern."

Frank threw away his cigaratte. He was so mad. He threw his arms to the sides. "It's my concern if no one's, Gerard! How can you say that?!"

He was in front of Gerard now. He held his chin so hard because he still wasn't looking at him. "Look at me in the eye. What do you see?" His voice was quiet.

He saw disappointment. Heartbreak. Frustration. Pain. Longing. Sadness.

And what did Frank see? He saw the same things in his eyes. The difference was their hiding techniques. One was quiet until he explodes one day, other one was drunk until he can't drink anymore.

Gerard didn't answer.

"I missed you, Gee," he whispered. "Where did you go? What happened to you? Please come back to us, come back to me." His voice was shaking.

Gerard freed his chin from Frank's hand, stepped on Frank's cigaratte and went back to the backstage.

And Frank cried quietly.

***

It was three in the morning, but Frank was awake. When was the last time he managed to sleep comfortably? Three weeks ago. Twenty one days ago.

_Three weeks...in order to leave a habit, you needed to live without that habit for three weeks. So why am I still addicted to Gerard?_ Frank thought.

_Or, how could he forget me that easily?_

He got up from the bed and sat instead, He started to play with his wet hair -he just had a shower-. He was overthinking again, and it was never good. What if something bad happened to him? Right now. At that second. Just one boom. Or maybe quietly. What if he's in a fight? What if he passes out and no one notices him? What if he's with someone else, right now...

He heard someone screaming painfully at the time, and his door was knocked -fisted, actually- three times. He stopped thinking and stared at the door. "Frankie! Open the door...please, baby please! They're coming- AHHH!"

Frank didn't hesitate to open the door, and Gerard, who was leaning against the door fell down to the ground. He got inside with the help of his hands and held Frank's legs. "Close the door!" he shouted.

Mikey, Brian, Ray and a couple of strangers opened their doors with curiousity. Frank looked down at the hall, no one was coming. He waited a little while and then Gerard shouted again. "Close the door! They're coming!" Mikey was nervous, "Is he okay?" he asked, and Frank exhaled like he was done with Gerard's shit. He pressed his lips and closed his eyes. "We'll scare him more if we act together. You guys go to sleep," he said and turned to the strangers. "I'm really sorry, please go back to your rooms," he murmured while closing the door.

Gerard reached for the bed, walking on his knees, he was breathing in and out too fast, his eyes were filled with fear. Frank kneeled next to him and pulled away the sweaty hair on Gerard's face. He was looking at Frank terrifically. "Did you lock the door?" he whispered. "Yeah," Frank said, "They can't get you anymore." And with that, Gerard hushed him, and continued to whisper. "Shhh! They'll hear you!"

Frank ignored his warning. "What did you take?" he asked, his expression and voice was frozen. Gerard hushed him once more, his finger shaking, and "Xanax," he answered. He chuckled quietly. "Just Xanax."

"Yeah, eat my ass." There was no way for him to believe in that. First of all, Xanax was just his first step to start taking drugs. He had taken Xanax when he had been in depression, and he started overdosing until it wasn't enough anymore. Then he started to search for other other drugs. Meth, then Cannabis, Amphetamine, Cocaine, and he even tried to take heroine but Frank didn't let him. He knew he was taking it in secret though, he just knew it.

And the alcohol. Alcohol was the worst, the most disgusting, because when Gerard drank too much, he always said mean things to Frank, very mean things. Frank suddenly remembered what he had said to him weeks ago. Oh, please go kill yourself! What's that, are you afraid, Frankie? Get over your fears! You're a big man now... Just one shot, it won't hurt, I swear... No one can't get out of that room before he kills himself!

That was just one of them.

"I uh...Tobacco! But not that much, Frankie. I promise. I quickly came here, you see? I ran away."

"From who, Gee?"

"Them!" Gerard bit his finger, and started to shake. "There were Gerards everywhere, they were gonna kill, they were everywhere..." And when he started to cry, Frank took him in his arms.

"Shh, it's okay, Gee."

Gerard sobbed like a little kid. "I'm scared, Frank," he said. "I'm so scared."

He didn't stummer, he didn't stumble. He was just scared and he was facing his fears, himself, actually. So Tobacco wasn't offering you a very colorful world.

Gerard hugged Frank. He tried to make Gerard laugh by saying "I thought you wanted to die." Gerard whisper-yelled at him suddenly. "I do! It was not me, they were gonna kill you. I was so scared, Frankie, they told me they already killed you, I was so, so scared!" He was crying. Maybe they already did, Frank thought.

So while Frank was getting anxious about him, he was getting anxious about Frank. The only difference was, that Frank always thought about him and Gerard only thought about him until he's sober.

"I'm here Gee," he whispered, rubbing his fingers on his cheek. He was also crying now. "I'm okay, you'll be okay, too. You don't need to be afraid now, alright?"

Gerard nodded meekly. He raised his head and with a quick mode change, "Can I kiss you?" he asked, and Frank shook his head. "I don't wanna know what Tobacco tastes like." They pressed their foreheads and laughed like he said something stupid. Gerard was sleepy now. Frank helped him get in the bed, and they were both asleep at four o'clock.

Four hours passed, and when Frank opened his eyes, he didn't think the first thing he would see would be Gerard. Usually, Gerard would have left him at an early time. But that day he was laying in the bed, watching Frank. "Morning," Frank murmured. When Gerard didn't answer, he continued. "When did you get up?"

"Six," he said. "I was nauseous, I threw up. Then took a shower. Then I couldn't go back to sleep. I ate something."

He stared at Frank and Frank laughed. "What?"

"Can I kiss you now?"

Frank was surprised. For the first time, Gerard was sober, he was talking to Frank, and he remembered what happened last night.

Frank's little giggle meant yes, at least Gerard thought so, and kissed him deeply, like he meant it, with love. What had changed now?

He pulled away, "How did you remember?" he asked.

"Tobacco."

Frank stared at him as he's half cheered, half pissed. "Gee," he said. "You are an idiot."

"Thank you."

Frank laughed and held Gerard's neck, kissing him and hugging him. He was stroking his head, playing with his hair. Gerard carried his head from his neck to his chest. "No seriously, thank you."

"For what?"

"For saving me from myself."

Frank was about to say that he is actually still in a bad situation, but he realized he was talking about the hallucinations and he murmured an idiot again.

But Gerard was talking about both of them.

"Always."

"I love you."

Frank stopped. Three weeks.

"Yeah, Gee," he murmured. "I love you, too."

And he couldn't help but think. _I wish he would take Tobacco earlier._

And they stayed still until Mikey called them out.

Maybe three weeks wasn't enough time for Gerard to forget Frank.


End file.
